you seriously need to go away.

you’re going down.

I’m not okay
I’m not okay

you wear me out.

With what’s been going on here at school, and at home, and everywhere in between…I’m really struggling to put a smile on my face for people…I’m losing it.

is finding and old letter…
and remembering that God creates miracles.
I believe tonight was a miracle.

Courtney,
I know this must be quite surprising, considering how little I write you letters, but this one’s probably overdue at least five days, if not more. See, I told you, it’s not bad. I just hope it means as much to you as writing this means to me, because I definitely needed to write this.

First of all, I have to thank you for giving me Wonder to read. It’s full of little nuggets of wisdom that I already know have changed me, and I’m not even halfway through. Between that and actually reading the Bible and taking to heart everything I read, things that you’ve been wanting out of me for a while are finally starting to sink in (like 1 Corinthians 13:4). Hopefully with these ideas between us, we can get beyond our petty arguments and past the obstacles that stand in our way.

I know that both of us are stressed, and getting even more so as school goes on, so I don’t think we could have chosen a better time to really work at this. I think Saturday night is the first time in a long time that we have both walked away from a party without having issues with each other. Maybe that’s an indication that this time we meant what we said. Maybe we can get through this week, this month, this year, and even forever without any arguments. I don’t know what it is about human nature that pushes us to argue before we talk, but we can definitely vouch for the validity of that fact (maybe we should stress that point to our kids: talking is important). Maybe writing this will put the idea further into my head that communication is vital to working anything out, and the only effective way to communicate is to sit down and talk.

To our benefit, I will say that what always binds us together is that hope of a long life together and finally grasping forever and all of its glory. In every argument, that’s what stays our hands and our minds from allowing this to end, and while the prospect of it ending is sad, the fact that we have that goal is joyful. I still have days where I can barely believe everything that has happened in the past 2 and a half years, but what I remember of them is always happy. Every detail of our first kiss is engraved into my memory; how tentative I was at first, but how rewarding it was; how you clung to me when I had to leave, not having to say a word because your eyes said it all. The time I spend with you lives on vividly in my memory and when I have a bad day, I can turn to that memory to draw me out of it. 

I hope that this book and its effect on both of our lives can draw us closer together, because without each other we are helpless. We strengthen each other and build each other up, pulling each other out of the depths of despair. I love you. Those three words say it all. They are the essence of our being, because without love, life is worthless. You really are the completion of myself and make me feel as if my life has been fulfilled. If I haven’t done so yet, I forgive you for everything. No more grudges and no more fights. 

I love you, and I hope you understand this letter,

Philip